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Feeling guilty and sad

Feeling guilty and sad

Comments 13 comments

It happened. I always thought my findom addiction was under control and was not interfering with my private life…but I was wrong. And not because of my spendings, those are actually totally under control (remember how I found my balance?), but because of my…wanking habit. Or at least that’s what I think this is, perhaps it’s deeper I don’t know.

I Love Her

First of all, I love my wife with all my heart. She is always my first thought about anything that I do, and I would never do anything to harm her. In all these years I made sure I protected my marriage from all the dangers of Financial Domination. That’s why I managed to find a balance on my spendings, and that’s why I never risked getting caught. If there is a slight risk, I just don’t even go online. She is my main priority.

My failure

But there is one thing that seems to be affecting us: my lack of sexual drive. Recently, we just don’t have sex enough. It’s about once a month, sometimes even less…and it’s not because she’s not beautiful, because she is. It’s probably because she doesn’t represent what my sexual fantasies are always about, she doesn’t even come close to what I need to get excited…and that’s starting to be an issue.

Two nights ago we spent an hour talking about this (well, talking…arguing I should say). She ended up crying, thinking this is all her fault. That I don’t like her anymore and stuff like that. We ended up cuddling and having sex …but since then I feel guilty. Extremely guilty. The one thing I never wanted to happen, it’s happening. I’m hurting her. And it’s all because I probably spend too much time fantasizing on Financial Domination goddesses and stuff like that.

Is there a solution?

How can I solve this? I don’t know. The only solution I see seems impossible: many times I tried, and always failed to quit money slavery. This is who I am, this is an important part of myself, and I can’t be happy without it.
All I’m doing these days is giving more and more attention to her needs, always been there for her (even more than before), and of course, having sex more often but… how long this will last? How long till I will stop feeling guilty, and just get back as I was before?

I have no answers at the moment. I’m just sad.

When she gets on your nerves

When she gets on your nerves

Comments 7 comments

This is just a post to shake off the anger …so don’t expect anything wise or entertaining.

Why, why, WHY does she need to do the ONE thing that gets on my nerves? Even if I KEEP telling her I hate when she does it, when she says those things?

Who? My wife of course, who else? It’s basically a stupid thing, but it gets on my nerves and put me in an awful mood…so now I’m here, at comp around 2 am at night, without NO intention to go to sleep (Hell I’m too angry) or to do anything nasty… Yeah, because I’m even in a bad mood to go and worship Goddesses.

Why can’t she f**ing stop? Shit, i hate her when she goes on like this!!!!

 

Do i love my wife?

Do i love my wife?

Comments 0 Comment

This is a question i sometimes ask myself… the answer is not that difficult to give: yes, i totally love my wife.

Having submissive fantasies doesn’t mean that all you want from your life is to be submissive, or at least not in my case. Being totally addicted, hypnotized by a woman that knows exactly my fetishes and that uses them against my will is a big fantasy of mine, always was.. but it’s a fantasy. Something that excites me a lot, but not something i would experience in every minute of my life.

My wife is the woman i love, the only one i could ever love. She’s beautiful (really beautiful), smart, sexy, sweet, caring and… how do i put this… “weak”. It’s a bad word, but my English maybe doesn’t really help me here a lot. She’s not strong at all, i act with her almost as a mother sometimes, hugging her when she needs it, giving her suggestions.. being always there for her, always.

I’m with her the opposite i am in my fantasies. But in my fantasies, the woman that uses me is not the woman i love. Often she’s a boss in an office, a teacher in a classroom i go to, or just a woman trying to sell me something. The woman i dream of is strong, intelligent, sexy, classy..but not someone i could love.

My wife is my life, my Goddess is my erotic fantasy.

That’s exactly why my weakness is stronger when i am excited and alone… because those are the moments where i usually go (well, “went” as it won’t happen again) here, where it all started… on my favourite cam site.

Today i brought my wife to the airport: she’ll be away for 3 weeks (bureaucracy stuff). These 3 weeks will be the most difficult for me, as i will really be like a sitting duck for any Mistress that will decide to use my fetishes against me… the least i can do is to, at least, don’t go and look for them… won’t be easy though…