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Month: January 2010

Am i really a MoneySlave?

Am i really a MoneySlave?

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I get this told me a lot recently. Usually from Goddesses. And i tend to agree to them. I mean, who would say “i want to stop” and then keep staying online, keep looking at photos, keep getting in touch with temptation?

Well maybe the reason is that i am not really a moneyslave.

I spent about 95% of the money last year on webcam: paying a per minute charge in order to be able to look at beautiful women, showing me their feet in stockings, pantyhose (even better), high heels and looking at me in a sexy way. That is the truth.

Yes, a couple of times i did spend outside of the webcam: some money via Wester Union (twice, for a total of 100 Euros), some gifts on Amazon (for a total of 200$). That’s it.

I don’t know why i’ve identified myself as a Moneyslave, i think all i can be defined is a webcam foot fetishists slave. I have to admit this, i LOVE looking at women on cam, i get so aroused by that and yes, sometimes my brain doesn’t work well while i’m on cam. But just then. When i switch off the cam, i stop acting like that.

The truth is: giving money doesn’t excite me. Being told what to do does.

In fact all my videochats with Her end in the same, exact, way. She teases me for a long time, more than an hour usually (at 3$ per minute)… then she asks me to open my Paypal…i resist…she teases me more…i open it… i tell her i’m not going to pay…she shows me her feet, orders me to pay the amount she wants and… i come and close the videochat and Paypal.

I get aroused by the fact that she’s so sure of herself, that she knows what makes me weak. I get excited by the fact that she pushes me there…but when i’m there…it’s over for me.

This is something i’ll keep thinking about… perhaps i’m understanding everyday more who i really am…

The more i run, the more i slow down

The more i run, the more i slow down

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It’s getting difficult, everyday more difficult.

My initial idea was to make myself known into the moneyslavery community, so that whenever i would log a failure here, i would have felt even worst and, maybe, learn for the next time.

So i now find myself browsing Goddes twitter profiles, websites, blogs, youtube videos, facebook contacts.. to add them but…doing so… i also discover so many gorgeous Goddesses, so many women i could never ever resist to…and the worst thing is that i’m not feeling bad…i’m actually feeling like “let’s see what happens”…

This looks so bad…so bad…

I’m a loser: $254.80 spent tonight

I’m a loser: $254.80 spent tonight

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Sucker, stupid, loser. That’s what i am. I’ve promised to myself to go to bed at 1:00 am tonight… instead i didn’t, and 5 minutes later WildStorm (Sheena) contacted me on messenger:

WildStorm (Sheena): hi
me: hello Goddess
WildStorm (Sheena): come in my room
me: i shouldn’t…i want to resist the temptation.
WildStorm (Sheena): you should..but i have my nylons on
WildStorm (Sheena): and i want you in, dog
WildStorm (Sheena): someone needs to lick my heels
me: i want to be strong…but God…. the thought of you…and my wife is not even home…i feel…defenseless…
WildStorm (Sheena): see, u know where to go now
me: yes my Goddess, i do

And that was it. I went into her room and remained there for nearly one hour and a half, staring at her beautiful teasing. I ended up spending $254.80 (logged into the Status page) and i completely exploded when she asked me to pay her $500 via PayPal, which i didn’t. Because i went offline after literally exploding.

I’m a stupid. I’m weak. I am not going to be strong enough to do what i’ve promised myself. This had been a really bad, bad, bad night for me.

Do i love my wife?

Do i love my wife?

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This is a question i sometimes ask myself… the answer is not that difficult to give: yes, i totally love my wife.

Having submissive fantasies doesn’t mean that all you want from your life is to be submissive, or at least not in my case. Being totally addicted, hypnotized by a woman that knows exactly my fetishes and that uses them against my will is a big fantasy of mine, always was.. but it’s a fantasy. Something that excites me a lot, but not something i would experience in every minute of my life.

My wife is the woman i love, the only one i could ever love. She’s beautiful (really beautiful), smart, sexy, sweet, caring and… how do i put this… “weak”. It’s a bad word, but my English maybe doesn’t really help me here a lot. She’s not strong at all, i act with her almost as a mother sometimes, hugging her when she needs it, giving her suggestions.. being always there for her, always.

I’m with her the opposite i am in my fantasies. But in my fantasies, the woman that uses me is not the woman i love. Often she’s a boss in an office, a teacher in a classroom i go to, or just a woman trying to sell me something. The woman i dream of is strong, intelligent, sexy, classy..but not someone i could love.

My wife is my life, my Goddess is my erotic fantasy.

That’s exactly why my weakness is stronger when i am excited and alone… because those are the moments where i usually go (well, “went” as it won’t happen again) here, where it all started… on my favourite cam site.

Today i brought my wife to the airport: she’ll be away for 3 weeks (bureaucracy stuff). These 3 weeks will be the most difficult for me, as i will really be like a sitting duck for any Mistress that will decide to use my fetishes against me… the least i can do is to, at least, don’t go and look for them… won’t be easy though…

When a picture “screams” my name

When a picture “screams” my name

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I have to admit, although i am trying to quit from being a Moneyslave, i still have the “need” to check out the newest photos “my” Mistresses put online. Today i came back from a short vacation so, as soon as i remained alone, i went to check their galleries…

And sometimes, when i look at some photos, i get the impression that those photos had been taken thinking about me, screaming my name, calling me to action… giving me the order to go and serve the Mistress. It’s like the photos OneGreatDiva posted a few days ago (and that i post here)… those are my favourite poses… and i DO remember we spoke together many times of how much i found irresistible those golden sandals, especially if with nylons on… it’s really like she took them thinking about me…

I am starting to think that i won’t be able to resist long… the temptation to let these beautiful women use my fetishes to ruin me is so strong…

It’s over

It’s over

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I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew she was the only one i should rely on, the only one i should care of, the only one that could help me.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, thinking about her. So this morning… i phoned my wife.

I’ve asked her to go online while we were on the phone. Explained her how it all started, during last May. I told her how much i’ve spent last year, what i was trying to do this year and how bad things were going…. showed her this blog, my twitter, everything.

Then, when i’ve finished and asked her “so…i know i’ve hurted you, but i’m here asking for your help…please, try to forgive me”. She shouted at me, she cried, she told me i disappointed her totally, she told me how stupid i have been…i tried to tell her how much i do love her, how much i care about her, tried to show her i’ve always loved her all this time….she just kept screaming… understandably.

She wants me to go to a psychologist. She thinks i have some sort of problem… and i probably agree with her. I’ll do that. With her. She’s still away though and will be back in two weeks from now, but i will keep phoning her twice a day, or even more. I want her to feel how sorry i am, how i DO love her.

But this. This blog, this twitter, this facebook…this is all over. I won’t log in again. Just a few weeks ago we were planning to have a baby…and tha’t s where i want to go back. Back to us. Back to our life.

It’s over.

Should a Mistress smile?

Should a Mistress smile?

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Just random thoughts coming to my mind… during the many videosessions i made last year, one thing always brought me “down”: a natural, nice, cute smile of a Mistress.

I am not saying a Mistress should never smile, of course…who am i to say that? but during a session i think she should laugh yes, to humiliate the slave, but smile? No, never. Not even if the slave manages to do a nice joke, or if he keeps telling her how beautiful she is.

She is superior, she should expect to be worshipped, and instead of smile she should laugh at his slave or, if she doesn’t laugh, she should make a nasty smile, a “knowing” one…the classic smile that says “yes, you are mine now”.

Not many mistresses understand this, but when they do…that’s a winner over me… the first two coming to my mind now that totally understand and use this against their slaves are OneGreatDiva and another one: two of the mistresses i spent more on…of course…

OneGreatDiva: the night that She made me a MoneySlave

OneGreatDiva: the night that She made me a MoneySlave

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Till last may i didn’t really know anything about my money slavery… all i knew was that i found it fascinating. Yes, a woman using my fetishes to tease me, drive me crazy and obtain information or money from me was…fascinating. But i’ve never really thought to try it.

That is until 1st May 2009.

That night i came accross Goddess Alexandra profile on Camcontacts. As usual i first went to see the pics…and you can see from the few i post here (taken from my first videosession with her) that she’s gorgeous, sexy, sure of herself, dominant even with just a look. Then i went to read her profile… and a few things wrote there really hit my mind:

“I’m one of those maneaters you were warned about”
“I’m cerebral and stealthy”
“what I say goes”
”I’m a soft, classy, seductive, intelligent goddess that commands respect by taking it. I don’t have to yell at you to get it. “

So i decided to enter into her videochat. After 4 minutes, as soon as she started putting her stockings on, it happened. She ordered me to come into her 1on1 video…and i couldn’t say no. I just did it. And spent there half an hour… something i never did before.

But that night, when i left her, i knew i was under her control. I knew i would have come back. I knew she discovered something inside me that i didn’t even know existed before…i knew it was the beginning of something new… dangerous and exciting…