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Feeling guilty and sad

Feeling guilty and sad

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It happened. I always thought my findom addiction was under control and was not interfering with my private life…but I was wrong. And not because of my spendings, those are actually totally under control (remember how I found my balance?), but because of my…wanking habit. Or at least that’s what I think this is, perhaps it’s deeper I don’t know.

I Love Her

First of all, I love my wife with all my heart. She is always my first thought about anything that I do, and I would never do anything to harm her. In all these years I made sure I protected my marriage from all the dangers of Financial Domination. That’s why I managed to find a balance on my spendings, and that’s why I never risked getting caught. If there is a slight risk, I just don’t even go online. She is my main priority.

My failure

But there is one thing that seems to be affecting us: my lack of sexual drive. Recently, we just don’t have sex enough. It’s about once a month, sometimes even less…and it’s not because she’s not beautiful, because she is. It’s probably because she doesn’t represent what my sexual fantasies are always about, she doesn’t even come close to what I need to get excited…and that’s starting to be an issue.

Two nights ago we spent an hour talking about this (well, talking…arguing I should say). She ended up crying, thinking this is all her fault. That I don’t like her anymore and stuff like that. We ended up cuddling and having sex …but since then I feel guilty. Extremely guilty. The one thing I never wanted to happen, it’s happening. I’m hurting her. And it’s all because I probably spend too much time fantasizing on Financial Domination goddesses and stuff like that.

Is there a solution?

How can I solve this? I don’t know. The only solution I see seems impossible: many times I tried, and always failed to quit money slavery. This is who I am, this is an important part of myself, and I can’t be happy without it.
All I’m doing these days is giving more and more attention to her needs, always been there for her (even more than before), and of course, having sex more often but… how long this will last? How long till I will stop feeling guilty, and just get back as I was before?

I have no answers at the moment. I’m just sad.

Sex is overrated.

Sex is overrated.

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Did the title catch your attention? I hope so, because I will try to explain better what I mean, and I do hope to have your full attention. Not sure if many slaves will agree on me about this, but I’m kinda curious about it.

What does excite me?

That’s where this all idea started. I started questioning myself what is that gets me going, what excites me, what…well…what makes me hard the most.

And you will probably say “Come on, it’s findom. We know that”. Wrong. It’s not JUST findom, it’s findom done in a certain way, it’s something more than findom or, to be precise, something BEFORE findom.

The teasing.

A woman, self-confident, perfectly aware of the effect She has on men, perfectly aware of what makes me weak, that slowly starts doing things that get me going. 

A shoe slowly coming off the foot, then dangling from the tip of her toe. Her legs flexing back and forth, to expose all their length and beauty. The noise of nylons rubbing together. That knowing smile on her face, while she looks right into my eyes. Her tongue slowly going all over her lips. Her sexy walk on those high heels, with her body perfectly balanced on them. The tone of her voice: calm, relaxed and yet tremendously sexy. 

All these things lead me to be so excited, so hypnotized by her, so eager to see her doing more of that stuff….that I end up losing control, and at that point sending more money only excites me even more. That’s the moment when Findom comes in place.

What about sex?

Everyone says how great sex is, how they couldn’t live without it. Apparently, no one can be happy without sex, no couple can survive if sex isn’t amazing and perfect. There is no way one can be fulfilled without sex…but is that really true? Do we really all think like this? 

To me, sex is like going to the gym. Lots of physical activity, lots of sweating, you feel tired afterward and…while you are at it, do you actually enjoy it? Sorry but I don’t. I don’t need my penis inside a vagina to feel pleasure, I don’t need to do all those exercises to be satisfied. Hell, sometimes I don’t even need to cum to be totally happy!

Is this selfish? Yes, it is. I know that a woman probably needs sex more than I do to be satisfied. And I do have sex with my wife…but that doesn’t mean I find it more exciting than being teased. Is this weird? Probably, but who cares? I’ve been called a weirdo for many other things!

Am I the only one?

I’ve been asking myself quite a lot and, frankly, this is also one of the reasons why I wrote this post. The fact that I would rather be teased than have sex, doesn’t feel totally right. I have complete respect for Women (obviously, being a slave) so their pleasure should always come first, but instead I’m being way too much selfish in feeling like this. 

But then again…is this something I can control? Can you teach someone to like chocolate if he does not? 

So yes, the main question here is… am I the only one who would rather be teased till he cums, instead of actually have sex? Can you help me understand this, guys?

About sex and my fetish

About sex and my fetish

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It’s all going down the toilet. Lately i’m having less and less sex with my wife…and the weird thing is that the reason is NOT this financial domination fetish. In fact lately i’m finding less and less satisfaction even in this, which is good in a way.

But what’s going on? To be honest, everything BUT sex is going great with my wife…i could say that it’s because i’m working way too much, but this has always been there, at least in the last couple of years… the only reason i can find is that girl in office.

We are close friends since ages, i always thought she’s sexy and we always played (by words) on this, without ever going too far. But lately i’ve been thinking more and more to go further, and i saw little signals from her that could suggest that, maybe, if i try she will agree to have some fun… could that be the reason i’m having less sex with my wife?

Would be crazy… would mean i’m having less sex with my wife because i’m hoping to have sex with another woman? Stupid, plain stupid that would be…especially because that might not even happen.

The thing is that i’m feeling depressed about this…it hurts a lot to see that my wife is obviously disappointed…but at the same time i just can’t find the right energy to do that..the right desire to do it… does she tease me? No, almost never. She surely never do anything sexy to try to get it from me…she says “it should be the man that looks for the woman”…yeah but… she could help me a bit…

I don’t even know why i’m writing all this here…perhaps because this is the only place where i write about my deepest and darkest secrets…don’t know…but… tonight, i really feel down.