It was getting closer and closer…it was going to happen, the moment i have been waiting for and dreaming of since months. Finally, i would have been able to experience a live, real life, moneyslavery session. During all those months i have been thinking of what it could have happened, making it like the perfect moment ever for me, as a moneyslave. Everything was perfect.
It was probably perfect only in my head. I wanted it to happen so badly, that i lost sight of a few things that were just not right. A few missing spots. A few “not so perfect” things. When the moment came, i just opened my eyes on these things…and decided that no, it was not going to happen. When it will happen, it will have to be perfect…at least in my head. I will do it when i won’t have any doubts on what i’m going to do.
And before you ask, no, it had nothing to do with the Goddess i was going to make it with. Only my fault, only in my head something just… did not “click”. Maybe it will happen in the future, maybe it won’t. But this time, it would have just been not right to do it.
I need to face the reality. I will never have the balls to meet a financial domination Mistress in real. Never.
Why do i say this? Because yesterday, Goddess Ishtar, a gorgeous, smart, powerful Goddess i visit quite often online (although i’ve never talked about Her on this blog) told me She is going to be in Florence this weekend. Yes, in TWO DAYS she will be more or less 5 km far from where i work. And she didn’t hide the fact that She would have been ready to meet me….
But i am too scared. Too scare of losing control. Too scared of spending a real fortune. Too scared to do things i might regret in future. Too scared to live my fantasy in real. Too scared.
She knows way too well how to make me weak, She made it very clear that She would bring me shoe shopping. She made it very clear that Her goal is to be even more in control of the situation with me.
And i am just a big coward. I will not meet Her. And i will keep imaging how it would have been….
It doesn’t stop…that’s a fact. I am spending more than last year and surely i am not slowing down… perhaps…this is just what i want…and i should really stop fighting this… what’s the point in fighting who i am?
Actually… recently i find myself thinking more and more about… real life sessions… about a Mistress (well, i can say Her name… Miss Olivia) tempting me in a public place, using my fetishes to make me weak…and then.. using me to go shopping… maybe shop about shoes… and modeling them in front of me… yes.. i am thinking about this more and more… and i find it really exciting.
But i do know one thing: that’s something i can’t afford. A real life session is going to cost WAY more than a videochat…and i can’t, can’t, can’t really afford that…at the moment…
It probably all started when i met Miss Olivia. Among other things, she really can enter your brain and well… explore it ar her will. And that’s what she did and she keeps doing. But doing so…she’s making me think a lot, really a lot.
Am i really a moneyslave? Or am i just attracted by something else? And if that’s the case…what’s this “something else”? Seduction power? Beauty? Or just a pair of feet in stockings or pantyhose?
How far would i go in a real life session, in presence of a Goddess? Would i be excited, scared or…pissed off? Would i be able to fully let myself go or…my real life situation and position would make me ignore my weaknesses?
And most of all… where is this blog going? Why did i really start it? Is it still useful to my cause? Or is my cause actually changing? And if so… how is it changing?
Shit…i’m really a mess tonight…let’s update the current status… that makes sense…i guess.