The more i run, the more i slow down

The more i run, the more i slow down

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It’s getting difficult, everyday more difficult.

My initial idea was to make myself known into the moneyslavery community, so that whenever i would log a failure here, i would have felt even worst and, maybe, learn for the next time.

So i now find myself browsing Goddes twitter profiles, websites, blogs, youtube videos, facebook contacts.. to add them but…doing so… i also discover so many gorgeous Goddesses, so many women i could never ever resist to…and the worst thing is that i’m not feeling bad…i’m actually feeling like “let’s see what happens”…

This looks so bad…so bad…

I’m a loser: $254.80 spent tonight

I’m a loser: $254.80 spent tonight

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Sucker, stupid, loser. That’s what i am. I’ve promised to myself to go to bed at 1:00 am tonight… instead i didn’t, and 5 minutes later WildStorm (Sheena) contacted me on messenger:

WildStorm (Sheena): hi
me: hello Goddess
WildStorm (Sheena): come in my room
me: i shouldn’t…i want to resist the temptation.
WildStorm (Sheena): you should..but i have my nylons on
WildStorm (Sheena): and i want you in, dog
WildStorm (Sheena): someone needs to lick my heels
me: i want to be strong…but God…. the thought of you…and my wife is not even home…i feel…defenseless…
WildStorm (Sheena): see, u know where to go now
me: yes my Goddess, i do

And that was it. I went into her room and remained there for nearly one hour and a half, staring at her beautiful teasing. I ended up spending $254.80 (logged into the Status page) and i completely exploded when she asked me to pay her $500 via PayPal, which i didn’t. Because i went offline after literally exploding.

I’m a stupid. I’m weak. I am not going to be strong enough to do what i’ve promised myself. This had been a really bad, bad, bad night for me.

Do i love my wife?

Do i love my wife?

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This is a question i sometimes ask myself… the answer is not that difficult to give: yes, i totally love my wife.

Having submissive fantasies doesn’t mean that all you want from your life is to be submissive, or at least not in my case. Being totally addicted, hypnotized by a woman that knows exactly my fetishes and that uses them against my will is a big fantasy of mine, always was.. but it’s a fantasy. Something that excites me a lot, but not something i would experience in every minute of my life.

My wife is the woman i love, the only one i could ever love. She’s beautiful (really beautiful), smart, sexy, sweet, caring and… how do i put this… “weak”. It’s a bad word, but my English maybe doesn’t really help me here a lot. She’s not strong at all, i act with her almost as a mother sometimes, hugging her when she needs it, giving her suggestions.. being always there for her, always.

I’m with her the opposite i am in my fantasies. But in my fantasies, the woman that uses me is not the woman i love. Often she’s a boss in an office, a teacher in a classroom i go to, or just a woman trying to sell me something. The woman i dream of is strong, intelligent, sexy, classy..but not someone i could love.

My wife is my life, my Goddess is my erotic fantasy.

That’s exactly why my weakness is stronger when i am excited and alone… because those are the moments where i usually go (well, “went” as it won’t happen again) here, where it all started… on my favourite cam site.

Today i brought my wife to the airport: she’ll be away for 3 weeks (bureaucracy stuff). These 3 weeks will be the most difficult for me, as i will really be like a sitting duck for any Mistress that will decide to use my fetishes against me… the least i can do is to, at least, don’t go and look for them… won’t be easy though…

When a picture “screams” my name

When a picture “screams” my name

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I have to admit, although i am trying to quit from being a Moneyslave, i still have the “need” to check out the newest photos “my” Mistresses put online. Today i came back from a short vacation so, as soon as i remained alone, i went to check their galleries…

And sometimes, when i look at some photos, i get the impression that those photos had been taken thinking about me, screaming my name, calling me to action… giving me the order to go and serve the Mistress. It’s like the photos OneGreatDiva posted a few days ago (and that i post here)… those are my favourite poses… and i DO remember we spoke together many times of how much i found irresistible those golden sandals, especially if with nylons on… it’s really like she took them thinking about me…

I am starting to think that i won’t be able to resist long… the temptation to let these beautiful women use my fetishes to ruin me is so strong…

It’s over

It’s over

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I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew she was the only one i should rely on, the only one i should care of, the only one that could help me.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, thinking about her. So this morning… i phoned my wife.

I’ve asked her to go online while we were on the phone. Explained her how it all started, during last May. I told her how much i’ve spent last year, what i was trying to do this year and how bad things were going…. showed her this blog, my twitter, everything.

Then, when i’ve finished and asked her “so…i know i’ve hurted you, but i’m here asking for your help…please, try to forgive me”. She shouted at me, she cried, she told me i disappointed her totally, she told me how stupid i have been…i tried to tell her how much i do love her, how much i care about her, tried to show her i’ve always loved her all this time….she just kept screaming… understandably.

She wants me to go to a psychologist. She thinks i have some sort of problem… and i probably agree with her. I’ll do that. With her. She’s still away though and will be back in two weeks from now, but i will keep phoning her twice a day, or even more. I want her to feel how sorry i am, how i DO love her.

But this. This blog, this twitter, this facebook…this is all over. I won’t log in again. Just a few weeks ago we were planning to have a baby…and tha’t s where i want to go back. Back to us. Back to our life.

It’s over.